Under the Covers

Even Mamas-the rulers of the world, the strong, brave, multi -tasking, amazing humans God created so special…. have times where they want to stay under the covers.

My girlfriend and I would sometimes joke about needing to be committed to the local womens’ mental hospital for the month.  We would selfishly long for staying in bed and being treated on hand and foot.  We would laugh about being roomies, but deep inside I knew that I could one day actually be there.

I don’t think mental health is something to laugh about.  And, I would never want my joke to hurt others that have lost loved ones to mental illness.  I have struggled with depression and know closely how it can control your life……even if you have a WONDERFUL life.  These are the words I used to describe my depression once:

The fog of depression feels safe. Somehow, wallowing in the pain, like a pig taking a mud bath,  feels clean-not dirty, feels right- not wrong, feels safe-not dangerous and I don’t want to come out of the fog!

It’s as if I am finally addressing my true feelings and giving my own feelings the voice they deserve. Ironically, giving life to them means skipping my own life for a moment. Giving those feelings life is draining and sad. Giving those feelings life is also exciting, because I am finally taking time for me!

Am I selfish? Of course. The life blinders I am wearing give me an excuse to think about only me. I enjoy the drama, the attention, the fact that my pain means something. The pain that has been concealed with smiles, pleasing, perfection and pills! Finally, I mean something! Maybe others around me can feel this crazy pain and finally understand. Probably not! But, all those around me mean nothing, as all I can focus on is myself and my own carousel thoughts that unfortunately still revolve around everyone and everything, yesterday and tomorrow!

My fast forward movie picture perfect life is in slow motion, black and white, and I am screaming at the main character to make a change! The main character is strong- I am strong – I can make the changes needed! The changes are crystal clear on the movie screen of life. I’m not quite ready to make the change and get out of bed, get some sunlight, change my meds or take a walk (as my therapist would suggest) because that would stop the picture! But, staying here longer can maybe help to make a big life change forever! I hear the scream over and over and I even feel the scream across my bones. They feel scary and cold, but the screams are constant. And the only evident decision I can conclude is that change must happen!

I let my mind wander to these changes and what they could mean for those around me. I let my mind make a plan for this change and I let my mind tell me how this is the only way.

Now, I am back to imaging the pig wallowing in mud and suddenly I feel stuck. This big fat pig is stuck! This strong, big fat pig is wallowing in mud and stuck and looking up at the fog and suddenly the feeling isn’t safe at all! The feeling is desperate. The decision is trapped, alongside the beautiful words, far inside me.

So, I cover back up, close my eyes for an attempt at sleep, and hope the challenge of change can happen tomorrow!

This was a dark time… a true depression.  Running nine restaurants with my family as CEO, rolling out our restaurants as a franchise, opening new stores, working with my parents, siblings and husband, overseeing three hundred employees, serving at church and in our community (and all the while longing to just STOP and raise my SWEET FAMILY that will soon be grown) had done me in! I felt unappreciated and sad my life was turning out this way!  I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and felt stuck.  Luckily there is always hope and the chance to make a change.  You just have to come out from under the warm covers and start making the steps forward!  I have since made that change-  taken an extra day off a week, started a blog to show my MESSY to the world, and started a woman’s bible study for other MESSY MOMS!

Hairnet Heiness