#motheroftheyear…this is sometimes how I refer to myself in sarcasm, after I’ve recognized my many failures as a mom. I certainly don’t think I am mother of the year, nor do I take my own jokes to heart. Overall, I’m what most moms are…I’m doing the best that I can each step of the way.
The #motheroftheyear reference came to my mind today once more. My middle child is getting sick. It’s an easy Sunday afternoon and we really have a light schedule today for our family of five: church, oldest son (13) had baseball games that started at 2 and will most likely continue into the late evening for a championship ring…our middle son has baseball practice at 4 pm in a different town and our youngest daughter (7) has her first private pitching lesson. I could say we aren’t all eaten up with baseball, but that would be a flat out lie. And, with it being Sunday, I hate to lie about the already obvious attention we serve to sports.
#christianoftheyear….another guilt I obviously hold over myself, yet that’s a whole other topic and guilt for another time.
My middle son has been our sickest child. No diseases or anything and I am definitely grateful that my three children are healthy kids overall. However, he is now age 10, has been in the hospital 4 times already. First, was a viral infection at 9 months. Secondly, Shigella (water contaminated bacteria) at age 2. Thirdly, he was in for an eye infection in first grade. This Sinusitis put him in for 5 nights and was pitiful. Finally, he was in at age 9 for Meningitis. The Meningitis visit turned out to be a fluke from tests, because it showed bacterial, yet his doctor still shows in his charts he did, in fact, have meningitis. I believe the Lord heard ours prayers and healed him. He was a sick boy and the diagnosis and conclusion is one that only God knows.
He has also lived with a severe allergy to nuts. We keep an EpiPen with us at all times. As the allergist said, “He has a life threatening allergy and you can never be too careful!”
Besides this, he has had hearing issues and tests, and we found out last summer after a series of headaches and dizziness problems that he has a heart condition. After a month of heart monitoring, and endless prayers, we met with a children’s electrophysiologist who helped us understand his situation and the option of a future ablation surgery if we wanted it- even though she felt he would be fine without it.
He also has outside allergies to the typical East Texas allergens and is also allergic to dogs, cats, dust, mites, and has been taking a series of allergy shots weekly, biweekly, and monthly for almost 5 years now.
All of that, to explain how he is our “sick” kid. Honestly, you won’t believe me, but I’ve probably even left some of his issues off. Luckily, as the middle child, he is extremely easy going and doesn’t seek attention from it all. He, and the rest of us, always move on through life and almost purposely block these past issues out when they pass. Life is so fast and we just don’t spend it in worry.
Back to my guilt as a mother.
You ask…why are you feeling guilty today? It’s a Sunday and your child is sick. You don’t have other work distractions- like you would on a week day. You have all the time you need to help your sick child.
My guilt doesn’t come from outside sources, my guilt comes from inside. You see, I’m guilty because I find joy in serving my sick boy.
What? Did I just actually admit that?
No, I don’t want him to be sick, but I love how he comes to me and needs me. And, if I’m 100% honest, I don’t find joy in the chores of serving him, but in the “idea” of being needed. I am so selfish to find joy from his pain (insert #motheroftheyear in my head again).
My kids come to ME, the mom, when they are sick. Even our hypoallergenic dog comes to me when he wants to cuddle or rest and be loved on (notice how I described the dog as hypoallergenic to defend our parenting- I mean we do pay top dollars for allergy shots every year). I am the nurturer of our household. And, I love to serve them.
I find it so intriguing that I am naturally the nurturer. Because, at work, I am the boss. At work, I have to be strong and constant. The softer side isn’t easily shown in our line of business. As the only female, my natural, nurturing instincts are usually squashed by the ones around me or just buried by myself trying to be what I am “supposed” to be.
I think if I had a job that was more service oriented I might not lavish in this short term gratifying feeling so much. I used to say that I should have been a teacher, or nurse, or even a funeral director…someone who serves others in times of need. The gratification I find in serving is different from what I get in my job of selling burgers. I was born to serve and I know it.
So, I just took the time to write these honest thoughts.
Do all mothers yearn to be needed by their children?
Do they enjoy or welcome the challenge of the family drama, because they can stop and focus on their babies and serve the way God created us to serve our children and husbands? Do they need to stop and express their worries or gratifications through writing? Or am I just crazy and selfish and need to quit thinking of myself and writing this all down…what kind of mother writes a blog while her kid is sick?
#motheroftheyear…that’s who!
Yours,
Hairnet Heiness
