Roller Coaster Ride

I woke up early this morning. This is normal. The alarm is set for much later, because today is Sunday and we are going to the late service of church.

Today is my ONE DAY to sleep in, and I always go to bed on Saturday night with a sense of relief and appreciation for those extra few hours that I get this ONE morning of the week. Yet, most Sundays, I am up alone, while my family sleeps and takes advantage of the rest. And, I (unfortunately) roll over and take advantage of my boyfriend…… Amazon Prime! My husband would have rather me rolled the other direction and taken advantage of him, but his snoring is what abducted my sleep in the first place. So, the other direction it was, and I gave him a little kick, while I rolled.

Today, I have wandered through Amazon like a maze. I have browsed the diet teas, the rugs, the wreaths, and now I am searching the children’s desks.

I got out of bed at one point, because the Amazon camera said if I took a picture I could see how the desk would look in my oldest son’s room.

Aidan opened one eye and looked a bit startled to see me standing in the darkness, holding the phone out toward his corner, but he rolled back over. I climbed into bed with him to continue my Amazon search.

I’m laying here now, listening to his fan blow, looking around his room at all of the things he has accumulated in fourteen years, as the sunlight barely pokes through the tips of his drapes. I see the old blue chest from his great, great grandmother that we re-painted before he was born. And I spot a shelf that was mine in college that now is hanging with baseball trophies and fishing pictures. His sweet room is mixed up with baby, boy, teenager and man.

I believe that’s where his sweet fourteen year old life is now. He is lost between knowing what to be most of the time these days. One minute, he truly yearns to be our baby, and the next he is as independent as a marine just back from boot camp.

His daily roller coaster consists of going from resting his head on my shoulder, while watching a television show, to forgetting to bathe and shrugging it off like a stinky, little boy. The next minute he says something absolutely ridiculous and I know he must sound amazing to his friends, but it’s the language of “silly teenager” to me. He also mopes a lot and rolls his eyes. I’ve gone from knowing it all, to knowing absolutely nothing overnight.

ROLLER COASTER!

And then there are those times when I catch him making Godly decisions that even my husband and I admire. That is when I see how close he is to becoming a man, and how I must prepare to let him.

I can feel the tears coming as I write. I’m in a sudden panic. Fourteen years!! Have they been used wisely? Do I still have enough time to raise him the way I planned?

Isn’t it so much easier to be a mom to the little ones? They love you. They need you. It’s gratifying and you just do your job.  I have recently come to the understanding that these last adolescent years, with my kids, will be the most important. They will need me to be more available as their rollercoaster life becomes faster and faster, and it won’t be as easy.

EASY?  When is parenting EASY?

I remember the rough, late nights breast feeding, the spit up, the diapers, the baby fat around my tummy…. and the list goes on. I remember the questions and not always feeling like I was getting it done right.

But, I also remember the rocking and the patting and the way they knew my voice or wanted only me. I can see their little chubby arms reaching for me and saying “Hold you.” It was a special time and sadly the kids really don’t share those memories with me. They just don’t know or appreciate that work I put in for them.

I’m back to my panic.

The first years, I had to react. The cries, smells, and their constant protection required my full, instantaneous attention. Today, my older kids’ independence has made me become more lazy as a mother. Or maybe it’s because I’m on my own roller coaster as a woman and mother. I don’t get that quick gratification anymore. Let’s face it, they don’t say thanks much. I don’t see the reward, so sometimes, I don’t even get on the roller coaster of motherhood at all. I sit in my room and watch the Hallmark movies, which really just fog my reality with men always giving flowers, kids decorating cookies, and fairy tale endings.

Do I want to watch life or live it? Sometimes watching a fairytale feels better than living your reality. But, I do choose to live mine and I will- as soon as my current Netflix series finishes.

It’s easier to think about my parenting in the past and give myself more of a pat on the back. It’s easier to think of anything in the past, with clarity and control. The future is what scares us.

It’s okay now, because they are still alive. Our biggest fear when they were newborns was just to KEEP THEM ALIVE. All of those fears that we had back then have disappeared into new fears so quickly that we don’t even remember having them anymore. Obviously, his life safety is still a high priority, but worry of whether he sleeps on his stomach or back is replaced with worry of whether he sleeps with a clear conscious.  Is he becoming the man God has planned for him to be?  Are we doing our best to help him be that man?

I look around his things and think about how he is lost between these phases of life and it makes me think about where I am. Time flies and you change physically, but like Aidan, I get lost in my seasons of life, as well.   I feel twenty, thirty, fifteen, and forty all in the same ride.  I still feel like my mother’s daughter, my husband’s high school girl friend, and yet (at times) I feel like the forty something, OLD, middle school mom that I am- the one who just called some kid the wrong name and just asked the stupid question.

Life is ever changing around us and the ride never stops.  Parent life is much like a rollercoaster,too!  We have to wait in line as it seems like the ride will never start sometimes.  We finally reach the front and the excitement builds as we have our chance to get on the ride.  Then, we work hard climbing up the steep hills of the roller coaster, and as it moves SLOW and seems scary people around us say “hold on… it’s going to go fast” but it just seems slow and scary to us. Then, the exciting hills begin, and we barely have time to enjoy the fun, as we fly down, enjoying the thrills SO FAST!  Before we know it, the ride is moving steady and straight and coming to an end!  Then it’s time to unbuckle, get off the ride, and let your kids go.

SOBBING!!

And…I swear, even my thoughts this morning resemble that of a roller coaster ride– and I am beginning to picture myself as Glenn Close ON THE ROLLER COASTER in FATAL ATTRACTION!  Keep the bunnies away from me!

But, in all seriousness, parenting life is crazy busy for us all, and we all feel like we are on this fast roller coaster. Whether we are in the beginning, middle, or end of our ride ……the most important part is who we share it with, and how closely we hold tight to each other during the moments throughout!

Yours Truly,

Hairnet Heiness